Today was a good day. There were a few pregnancy firsts:

  • my first “Are you sure there’s only one in there?” query. (Yes, I am, and I’m already self-conscious about how big I am!) — In all honesty, I think having a baby belly is really fun, but I do feel like I’m much bigger than other people I see at 16 weeks. I gained a lot of weight in my first trimester (the only things out there that sounded good were cheeseburgers and pepperoni rolls!) which I know intellectually is fine, but emotionally it’s a little hard to keep seeing numbers I’ve never seen before – and to feel like I’m showing “all over”. Especially when I’ve already spent an entire year in an uncooperative body I struggle to recognize. I need to make peace with this!
  • I think this will make it easier to make peace with my growing body: today I felt the baby moving! It was just for half a second in a meeting this morning. I felt a weird twitching sensation/tapping kind of feeling in my belly. I had felt something just like this probably two nights ago, but it was so quick I didn’t know what to think. This time, I asked Leah what she thought and she agreed with me – it was baby Huffman! I can’t wait to feel it again. Get back to kicking, baby!

I’m hoping by Saturday I can check another pregnancy first off the list: my first week finally getting back to three workouts. Now that I’m in my second trimester and feeling so much better, I am really determined to get back to (more) exercise. I’m off to a good start with my yoga + Saturday wog routine, but eventually I want to add in probably another day of cardio (and strength training, ugh) and another yoga session. (Though that would require me cleaning my room. Heh.) So today I headed to the gym after work!

(I was greeted immediately in the women’s locker room by a naked 3-year-old girl with a towel on her head, who cheerily said to me, “Hi! You look so fancy!” — I was so pleased. I knew that sucking it up and wearing boots today instead of my lazy flats would pay off in the end.)

Anyway, the gym was mostly a success. I ran/walked for 25 minutes, which – despite the fact that I didn’t finish the workout absolutely drenched in sweat, which disappoints me – was hard work. I tried to start my first running interval at a 10:30 mile, thinking that would be pretty reasonable – when I got pregnant my “easy” pace was around a 10:00 mile – only to quickly discover that this wasn’t a comfortable pace for me at all. I felt like I had a hard time taking deep breaths – I couldn’t breathe deep into my abdomen and could only take short, shallow breaths. So I slowed down to an 11:00 mile which was challenging, but much more doable. Sigh! Baby’s taking up so much room already.

After trying not to be disappointed that I finished fewer than two miles in 25 minutes, I moved on to do some weights. I know how good strength training is for you, and with all the camper’s pose we do in yoga, I think stronger legs will be a big help.  So I did some arms and some legs. I tried the hamstring machine, but got confused and before I could make a huge fool of myself I decided to call it a night.

And in addition to working out, I finally cooked something for dinner. For weeks and weeks and weeks – okay, let’s be honest; for months – Steve and I have been relying on easy meals and takeout to sustain us. Tonight’s meal was admittedly really easy, but it was an actual meal that was not comprised of eggs, and it was delicious. I made kielbasa, one of my favorite comfort foods, and roasted broccoli, cauliflower and potatoes. There. Done. Delicious. I just needed something to get me back in the saddle.

It’s been tough to make the transition these last two weeks or so – not just from the first trimester fog, but also from survival mode into living mode. Coming out of survival mode can be a hard call to make when you’re dealing with a grief and loss kind of situation (as I have learned too many times in the last year), but I do think it’s a very important transition, and one I’m still trying to figure out. I know that with a loss this huge, it won’t be something that happens overnight. I’d say I’ve taken a step or two out of survival mode. I’m testing the waters. I’d like to see how my increased activity of working out* and cooking again will help me in my efforts.

Lastly, my hand warmer is coming along nicely! Look!

I’m just so taken with it. I love the color.

Oh, and your requisite Teaker picture, taken by Steve a few minutes ago (he was trying to capture Teak-in-a-bag, but was unsuccessful):

Hi Teaker!

* I really credit exercise – specifically running and yoga – with helping me heal this year after my miscarriages. I can’t overstate enough how much it helped me. More than rest, more than pampering myself, more than trying to understand what had happened, more than talking about it – more than anything but just the passage of time. I know now that that’s why I finally “got” running. I had never needed it before. I know healing would have taken a lot longer than it did if I hadn’t trained for that 10k.