I woke up today with more energy than I’ve had in probably two weeks. Having six days off of work helped — and apparently so did all that resting. I did yoga several times, but stayed off my feet a lot and spent a lot of time parked on the couch. Evidently that got me somewhere!
What else got me there? Finally getting off the couch earlier last night and going to bed early. I woke up several times during the night but even so, I got up finally feeling rested. The challenge remains to keep up the practice …
At any rate, I had enough spring in my step to walk down to the Lululemon showroom at lunchtime today to pick up a new yoga mat. Thanks to my in-laws for being so generous at Christmas! I figured with all the yoga I’m doing, an upgrade from my cheap, flimsy mat was justified.
This blue is nice, but mine is a lovely light purple.
The Charlottesville Lululemon showroom is located on the third floor of a building, which meant I was completely out of breath after hauling myself and my six-months-pregnant belly down the downtown mall and up two flights of stairs. (I work out, Lulus, I swear I do! I really will use this mat!) — I actually already have! I tried it out when I got home. It smells like rubber so it’s airing out in a spare bedroom. So far I really like how firm, yet cushiony, it is. And my hands did not slip in downward dog.
Since I got pregnant, it’s been discouraging for me to watch a lot of my mobility and stamina slip away. So I’ve been pleased and gratified to see that I am actually making a good deal of progress in yoga — for one thing, my heels almost always touch the ground in downward dog now (I lost that during my two months off exercise during my first trimester/haze of grief) and (big news!) warrior poses no longer make me want to die. Warrior poses, chair pose and camper’s pose have always been really difficult for me, so it’s great to see that despite the fact that I can’t tolerate much strenuous exercise anymore, I can still build strength and watch my fitness grow and improve. It’s really encouraging.
Despite how good I’m feeling these days, I do have to acknowledge that I am not feeling great. Twice this week I have dreamed about my mom and she has been on my mind a lot — I’ve found myself thinking about all the things I wish I could tell her, from the momentous (he’s kicking and moving all the time!) to the mundane (look how these pictures look framed on my dresser!). I placed a hold at the library for this book:
I’m a little apprehensive about reading it. I’m pretty good at feeling OK when it’s not OK, and that in turn makes it easy for me to underestimate the profundity of the loss and how much it affects, and will continue to affect, my life. The book seems to focus more on the experience of women who have lost their mothers at an earlier age than I did (adolescence, I think), but one thing I’ve learned in the last five months is that despite the fact that I am an adult, the experience of losing a parent at 31 is very different than losing a parent to old age when you’re 65.
I’m also thinking about reading two other books: About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope, and Motherless Mothers. Even if I don’t read them soon, I think I probably shouldn’t forget or underestimate how overwhelming it has been (even if it’s subconsciously) to have to go through everything I have in the last 16 months — I do need to acknowledge that this season in my life changes everything and likely will have a very long-lasting ripple effect on the rest of my life. Just because they all happened at once doesn’t mean I can or should attempt to trivialize any one of them. (To an extent I think I’ve been trying to do that with my pregnancy.)
This time of year is always good for deep thinking. Don’t you agree? Later in the week I hope to come back and write some about the year in general and where it’s taken me, as well as how I hope to approach 2012.