I talk a lot here about happiness, hope, health and healing. That is mainly because that’s where I want my focus to be as I look to cope with my losses and incorporate the grieving process into my daily life. But sometimes I fear I lose track of the simple fact that this is really, really hard and I hate it.

Some days I wind up wishing I had never gotten out of bed at all. Today was one of those days — it started out innocuously enough, and nothing out of the ordinary even happened, really. But it’s been a day where:

  • despite the fact that all three of today’s clients cancelled, I had plenty to keep me occupied at work this afternoon and lots of details to stay on top of — only I was exhausted, unmotivated, and disengaged. All I could hear was a dull buzzing in my head. I couldn’t bring myself to care about getting anything done — caring would take too much effort, and I was just too tired.
  • (not necessarily unusual, but) I got into a long email conversation with my sisters where we talked about how much we hate not having our mom around — from the fact that she’s no longer here to help me pick out Vera Bradley patterns to how long solitary car trips are still hard, and how I (literally) have absolutely no memory of my life from the second week of August until sometime in mid-October.
  • I’ve had this irritating lingering heartburn that nothing seems to abate; this isn’t really related to anything, but it hasn’t done much for my mood.
  • I went to Lululemon to get a bag for my huge new mat, which doesn’t fit in my old mat bag, and I see that their manifesto is printed on the shopping bag. Apparently according to Lululemon, “stress is related to 99% of illness”. I had to do some deep pranayama breathing and remind myself that it’s probably not Chip Wilson‘s fault he’s a huge moron with no understanding of most real medical conditions, and remembered again that I’m trying not to take other people’s stupidity so personally in 2012.

When I got home, the house smelled amazing thanks to the roast I’d had in the crock pot all day. I brought dinner over to Leah and Chad’s and got to hang out with these two:

and had a huge (huge) piece of ice cream cake for dessert.

I’m going to go to bed now. Some days I can see light filtering through all the dark clouds of grief, but today was not one of those days. Tomorrow can be better.