So far the hardest part of being a mom hasn’t been the midnight feedings.
It hasn’t been the fussiness …
It hasn’t been the endless diapers or laundry or having to switch to decaf.
All of those are hard, of course, but for me the hardest part of being a mom is not having my own mom around. I knew motherhood would bring on a whole new aspect of grief, and in the last two weeks I think I have missed her more than I ever have. For the last eight months (almost nine!) I have gotten pretty used to living with this unmet desire — to have her back — but now that I’m a mother myself, it’s become a lot harder to reconcile my reality with what I so desperately want — but can never have.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
years of jubilee 
April 25, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Oh Amy, my heart breaks for you. As we become mothers ourselves, we suddenly realize how important our mothers are in our lives. Just to be able to pick up the phone and call to ask what may be the silliest question can make your day brighter. As you go through your day, and mother your son, you are giving him parts of her that she gave to you. I’m sure you have many of her mannerisms and personality which you will lovingly pass on to Will.
April 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Oh, I love that perspective. It’s comforting to know that he will know so much about her as he grows up just from those of us who were blessed to know her.
April 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm
I hate that you have that void in your life. I don’t think anyone can ever know the grief unless they’ve endured something similar. i lost my mom about 5 years ago and am just 15 weeks now with my first. So I envision once I have baby a lot of emotions will get stirred. It does get better but never fully goes away. Thank you for sharing your story on here. I think you are both strong and courageous:) and I love your chair:) where did you get it?
April 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
No, I’m learning it never goes away. But we are not alone!
The chair is from Babies R Us — we love it. 🙂
April 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm
I love that picture of her. So typical. I heard Alex trebek’s voice on the tv in the other room the other day and realized that I was assuming on some level that she was in there, watching jeopardy.
April 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Recently I’ve found myself saying things to Steve like “Great! We’ll be home in time for double Jeopardy!” and it makes me so happy to hear myself sound like her.
April 26, 2012 at 8:29 am
I bet she’s super proud of you right now!
April 26, 2012 at 9:42 am
I think so too!
May 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm
I may still have my mom around but do to her advancing age and Parkinson’s diagnosis, she is not the same perosn she used to be. I try to focus on the fact that she is still here, even if she isnt the same. I am thinking about you and pryaing for you…
May 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Thanks. ❤ Thinking of you too!