(I am typing this post one-handed! I have a napping baby in the Moby wrap so sleepy that his head is falling limply to the side. I need to support it.)
Life has become all about the little things these days. I said a few months ago that I was ready for a smaller, simpler life, and in a lot of ways that’s what I have. But when I say a smaller life I don’t mean one that’s constricted or closed-off; on the contrary I feel like the world has suddenly opened up, and not in a smug now-that-I’m-a-mother kind of way. The life we live right now, oddly, lends itself well to a lot of introspection. I spend a lot of time with this baby nursing him, or sitting and rocking, or going for long walks. Let’s see if this makes sense written out the way it does in my mind — the smallness of my life actually leads to a huge feeling of openness, in the same way that sometimes, placing very strict and specific boundaries around a creative project can lead to greater imagination. When I was in school, for example, I used to find a lot of creative comfort when instructed to write a poem that included a specific word or number of lines, because it gave me a starting point, and I feel the same thing in my life right now. I feel very grounded. Knowing where I’m starting from can often make it easier for me to explore the outer limits of my world — that is, when I have the desire to. Right now I just want to study its minutiae.
I feel like the rest of the world has resumed living around me, while I’m in a cocoon. It’s not always easy or fun, but it feels so right. And while I feel so far away from the world a part of me wonders whether I’ll ever emerge from this cocoon, I know I will eventually — which makes this time even sweeter. This is one aspect of motherhood I did not expect; I knew having a baby would change a lot of things, but I didn’t anticipate that I would love living in this little bubble so much! I miss the things about my old life that made me me, but right now I am content to be immersed in the things about my new life that make me me.
Those things about my old life are still what make me me; I’m still the same person, after all. And my life will one day be about more than just taking long walks with my baby, breathing in the fresh air and watching him watch the world. But these weeks are so short and precious that I don’t want anything else interfering. Not just yet.