Today has been tough.

Will normally wakes up for the day in a happy mood, but not today. No matter how much I rocked him, walked around with him, fed him, talked to him, held him, changed his diaper, entertained him, and pleaded with him, he fussed and cried almost continuously (when he wasn’t napping or eating, that is — mostly) until noon, when he fell into a fitful sleep on his buzzy seat. Even so, for an hour and a half I had to keep running over to him to replace his pacifier when it fell out of his mouth and turn the chair’s music and vibration back on — otherwise, he woke up and cried even more.

What happened to my cheerful baby??

The afternoon was a bit of an improvement on the morning, thankfully, and I took him upstairs to get ready for another nap as soon as he started showing signs of tiredness. But Will has developed something of a bad habit the last few days — resisting sleep. I have no idea why or what to do about it, but the last several days have seen marathon sessions of rocking, feeding, walking, you-name-it, all in an effort to get this clearly tired baby to take a nap. (Sunday’s attempt culminated in Will’s five-hour nap in the Moby — wonderful for him, miserable for me.)

Today was no exception, so when Will finally dropped off to sleep after two hours of rocking, listening to Pandora’s lullabye station, and patient waiting, I was ecstatic. Very, very carefully I moved him into his crib and tiptoed out of the room.

30 seconds later: wailing. Now he’s snuggled up in the Moby wrap, sleeping for real at last, and I am trying hard not to be … irritated?

I should be relieved, but instead I feel annoyed that a) it took so long to get him to sleep, and b) he sleeps so well in this wrap, thus preventing me from doing what I want to do right now — which doesn’t really involve rocking a sleeping infant anymore. I’m annoyed because Steve will be home soon and instead of him getting to hold and play with Will — something we both look forward to all day — here he is, strapped to me and sound asleep for who knows how long.

Have I always been so selfish?

So instead of irritably brooding over how things haven’t gone my way today, I’m trying to reframe our day. Here’s what’s gone right:

  • Will took two good naps earlier today and has (finally!) started a third
  • Even though it took him hours to fall asleep this afternoon, he spent those hours peaceful and content, not fussy and crying
  • While he slept in the buzzy seat earlier today, I got in a good, challenging yoga practice (accompanied by the lullabye music coming from his chair)
  • I got to eat a real breakfast and lunch
  • I discovered Pandora’s lullabye station, as mentioned above — it’s great! Not just kids’ music, which is what I expected it to be
  • And of course there are the big-picture good things: I am blessed in so many ways just to be a mom, and one who has the opportunity to stay at home with her baby. Will is generally an easy baby, and as he’s four weeks old tomorrow, he’s that much closer to getting past the six-week newborn fussy period. Yay!

So while he may be napping in a less-than-optimal-for-me location, it seems to be doing the trick for Will, which is the most important thing. One really striking thing about motherhood is that it — even more than marriage has — reveals for me in GREAT DETAIL how selfish I am. Yikes. Good thing we do this parenting thing one day at a time.